Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
