it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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