you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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