i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sorry about my life...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
