your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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