Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
