By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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