puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
