I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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