just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I AM VODKA MAN
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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