Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
A+ Viking dick
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
