She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
