Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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