I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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