Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
