I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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