I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
