That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
