Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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