Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
