My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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