I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
