So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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