if i can run in heels then i can drive
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
