Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
