This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize