I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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