mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
