the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
