The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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