i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
