He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
