I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
