um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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