I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
