Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
