If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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