she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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