I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
