Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
false alarm, still single
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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