my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
