I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize