I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
false alarm, still single
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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