I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
