cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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