i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
