mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
