I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
