I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
