We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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