Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
