woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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