Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
