I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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