Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
