Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
