i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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