I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
