I am puke
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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