The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
