Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
