I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
