I must be too annoying 4 u.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
